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small talk can be a pain for some people
especially introverts now there is
nothing wrong with light and playful
banter and we’ve covered that in other
videos but in this video we are going to
discuss how anyone including introverts
can become a master of quickly moving
through small talk to something more and
for some people it’s going to come as a
surprise that I am featuring Kanye West
in this video to be clear I’m not saying
that Kanye West is necessarily an
introvert Kanye may or may not be an
introvert but in his most recent
interview with Jimmy Kimmel I did see a
number of behaviors that are typical of
an introverted type that doesn’t really
want to engage in small talk and I
thought that this could make a good
jumping-off point for the topic so first
off small talk can be difficult for
people because they don’t know when to
participate if there aren’t asked a
question they feel like they shouldn’t
speak up and then the dreaded awkward
silence ensues before the other person
excuses themself in reality there are
almost always subtle openings and
invitations to join in notice in this
next clip the moments where Jimmy sets
Kayne up to comment I’ll tell you a
story and this is honestly true the last
time a few years ago you sent me a pair
of Easy’s I have never in my life had
more people come up and talk to me than
when I was walking around in them to the
point where I was like this is crap I
got to get these off people are chasing
me
I’m worried people are gonna beat me up
and take these usually people wait like
they see them sleeping on the street
waiting for these shoes now Kanye either
doesn’t see those openings or chooses
not to take them but if you want to move
through small talk you actually should
the easiest way to create that initial
banter is by saying how the other
person’s statement makes you feel for
instance Connie could have talked about
how the popularity of Yeezys made him
feel embarrassed proud flattered
literally whatever feeling he felt those
interjections are a simple thing that
makes early conversation move smoothly
for instance here is Ryan Gosling who I
think might be an introvert doing that
in this next clip welcome to the program
nice to see you know I saw this film the
other night
very good movie I really enjoyed it can
I hug you no no okay I mean I just I
just think you’re the best oh no no no
please introverts also tend to take
early conversational questions like how
are you doing or did you enjoy your day
and answer them literally now there’s
nothing inherently wrong with this but
it can make it more difficult to get the
ball rolling in conversation because the
literal answer is very short like in
this example very very cute climbing on
your head do you dress them do you pick
their outfits hmm you do is that fun for
you mm-hmm
do you design outfits for them mm-hmm
you do do they love that I mean do they
understand that process so you draw
something and then it becomes their
clothes yeah my daughter went to a
fashion camp for five days a couple
weeks ago you notice the conversation
kind of just stalled until Kanye took
Jimmy’s questions and made them into a
springboard to talk about something else
which highlights a major point if you
want to move through small talk into
something a bit more meaningful you need
to not answer the questions you are
asked sometimes since most people often
ask boring closed-ended questions
instead you should answer a more
interesting question that is related to
what you are being asked
here’s Konya doing it earlier in the
same interview regret anything you say
or is just like you just look at it like
hey I put it out there it’s out there
there’s no point regretting it I think
people focus too much on the past an
important mindset here that absolutely
applies to your conversations is that
people will appreciate you not answering
their literal question if it makes the
conversation more engaging so if you
move from a boring closed-ended question
to an interesting anecdote or a joke
you’re actually doing everyone a favor
what feels worse is the awkward silence
that follows those boring abrupt literal
answers do you go to the movies come to
think of it
once in a while now giving a lengthier
answer to a short question might make
you worried that you’re going to talk
someone’s ear off and if you want to
avoid that you can actually simply pause
to create periodic opt-in points for the
audience this allows them to express if
they’d like you to continue either by
asking you questions or just giving you
a tenth of body language George Clooney
who is an excellent storyteller does
this to ensure that he doesn’t dominate
group conversation with something no one
wants to hear about notice how there’s
an interesting hook that Graham follows
up on to invite George to continue and
then I would send letters to other
actors I’ve sent letters to lots and
lots of people from Brad you don’t tell
either
I don’t tell either no I let them know
and then they’re like are you kidding me
you can do the same thing one
opportunity to create an opt-in point is
by allowing stories that you tell to
actually be interrupted when somebody
new joins your group like when a waiter
interrupts conversation to take your
order if the person you’re speaking to
asks you to continue where you left off
you know that they were interested and
if not just move on knowing that you
won’t be boring them with something they
don’t care about and that takes us to
the biggest point for introverts
oftentimes small talk and banter isn’t
the goal of conversation it’s to arrive
at a conversational topic that you both
care deeply about most conversations
left to their own devices though will
stay in banter so you’re going to need
to steer conversation away from that
banter in the direction of deeper topics
on purpose like this I have to get I
feel like you avoided in this case Kanye
wanted to talk about mental health so he
pointed to the album cover as a nice
segue and if you want to do something
similar ask people their opinions on
movies or news stories that you care
about for instance if you’re a fan of
moral philosophical debate something as
popular as Avengers 3 can make an easy
segue to talk about for instance the
morality of Thanos endgame alternatively
since people love being asked their
opinions you can just say Oh have I
gotten your opinion about X and fill in
the blank with the topic
you’re fascinated by that way you don’t
have to spend ten minutes warming up
with dull conversation about weather or
the sports team or how your families
have been you’re purposely guiding the
conversation steering quickly to a topic
that you find genuinely interesting much
like Russell Brand does in this next
clip one of those ashes that I
understand you’re not huge on talk shows
you don’t like small talk that much I do
worry about small talk because in the
back of my mind during some small talk I
might suddenly realize that we are
mortal and death is coming cruel death
the icy hand the icy hand death cometh
so sometimes that distracts me from the
old small talk Stephen that all leads to
Russell and Stephen riffing on the
ultimate meaning of life in just a few
minutes from the start of their
conversation and it’s useful to keep in
mind here that this works especially
well since Russell is able to add
moments of levity into his more profound
rants
without remaining too somber now culture
tells us that there is no meaning tells
us we are but material tells us that we
are individuals trapped in flesh only
here to consume and there are some
people that just can’t bear that and so
they take a little bit of heroin to
unwind now Russell probably isn’t an
introvert but this last point does round
out what we discussed first reply to
statements made by the other person
sharing how you feel and answer close
questions in a lengthier way to make the
early bits of conversation more engaging
for both parties second use simple
segues to purposely steer conversation
towards topics that you have a deeper
interest in and third ensure that
everyone is enjoying conversation by
adding those moments of fun and of
course by checking that the other person
is continuing to opt in with their own
continued questions eye contact and body
language
we’ve got more on those pieces of body
language that convey interest in our
video on Oprah she is a master of active
listening and I definitely recommend
that you check that video out if that’s
something that you are interested in now
all of this will help you move through
small talk but it doesn’t necessarily
guarantee that you’re going to make an
amazing first impression that actually
requires have open for very specific
emotions in a particular order and if
you want to learn more about what those
emotions are I made a video detailing
exactly what they are and the order that
you need to go in so if you want to
check that out just click
link in the description or the one that
you see on the screen now it’s gonna
take you to a page where you can drop
your email and then watch a video
breaking down exactly those four
emotions that guarantee an amazing first
impression every single time so if you
want to consistently make those amazing
first impressions go ahead click that
link now to check the video out either
way I hope that you enjoyed this video
you can go ahead and click Subscribe if
you liked it and want to see more in a
week I look forward to seeing you in
that next one